I recently decided to browse through an old blog of mine, last updated in 2011 and no longer visible to the internet at large, to get a sense of myself in days of yore. There are a few posts that are worth saving and sharing for posterity – this being one of them. Almost 20 years later and I remember this experience vividly.
I haven’t edited the content at all. This is me in youth, warts and all. First published in November of 2009.
—-
By the way, I went sailing for the first time recently. And because I’m hardcore I went sailing when it was raining and cold. That’s because I’m a man and real men have a bit of hardcore sea dog in them. But enough horn-tooting and let me tell you what it’s like to go sailing if you’ve never been before. I do hear that it’s better in fair weather but even with the elements conspiring against us it was a marvelous blend of the miserable and exhilirating.

I got a random call from my seasoned sailor buddy Rog Mahal asking me if I wanted to fill an open spot on a boat, knowing full well I’d never sailed. This came with the caveat that I make a weight limit. I was immediately suspicious because other activities that involve weight limits – like boxing and wrestling – come packaged with broken faces or nasty diseases. In any case, the weight limit didn’t matter nor did the drive to Annapolis at 8 in the morning – on daylight savings day no less, the best day for sleeping in the entire year. On my way over, I kept giving dirty looks to the heavens with their dark clouds showing no sign of letting up the downpour. But I gallantly strode on cause, you know, I’m hardcore like that.
Lesson Number One of sailing is to stay as dry as possible. Which means don’t wear jeans and a t-shirt. Thankfully, I was provided some slick gear but had to make do with my old Adidas, leading to an uncomfortable lack of feeling in my right foot halfway through the first race. Borrowing some fancy waterproof socks fixed the numbness and made me confident I would be keeping all of my toes at the end of the day. My Big Bad Wolf (the rollercoaster) hat (with ear flaps) was looked upon with disdain so I had to use alternative headgear. Gloves would have been useful but my hands got used to the cold eventually. PS – chap stick comes in handy.

The races themselves were exciting because half the time I didn’t know what was going on. Sitting on the side of the boat, I look out at a sea of other boats and had no idea how we were doing until the very end. That makes things more interesting. The near-crashes, the mid-race course changes and angry skippers get the old hemoglobin flowing as well. Maybe if I were a little more experienced it would have been even more fun but there was a definite element of enjoyment in two basic principles I followed: don’t fall off and don’t mess up.

Another great aspect is the camaraderie. It’s just great having the skipper curse your name and desecrate your gods during the race and then be all chummy when all is said and done. And, hey, he got me a t-shirt so I must have done something right. After all, the day I raced we finished 13th and 9th – which, by the way, was the best the boat did all weekend. I’m not sure if I did anything positive that was statistically significant or if I have the God-given gift of providing ballast, which, by the way, was my main job. One of three, as follows:
1. Provide ballast
Basically, the boat is tipped over to one side so precariously that everyone has to be on the other side to prevent the boat from falling over. When the skipper decides to tack – which just means turn right or left – he says some jargon to prepare you and then something like “Heartily.” Upon that Pavlovian keyword, the idea is to duck so as to avoid the big-ass boom pole swinging toward you, scramble to the other side and sit your ass back down. Doing that about 30 times in a couple of hours and you’re covered in bruises the next day. When you’re going with the wind it’s called jiving (I think it’s with a ‘v’ but might be ‘jibing’) and you have to loosen some random rope.

2. Push the boom pole
This part sucks. When you go with the wind, the spinnaker sail comes up and then the unlucky Number Five (which is what I call my position – I can’t remember the real name but it was dumb) has to make sure the boom pole stays forward. This means keeping your arms up for a long time cause you still have to be sitting. Boring and tiring.
3. The Human Pole
Great name and definitely an exhilarating experience. When it’s time for the spinnaker to come down, the bowman detaches the metal pole that connects it to the mast. But while that’s happening someone has to act as the pole for the spinnaker. That someone is Number Five. Being the Human Pole entails grabbing on to something on the boat, leaning most of your body off the boat and holding the end of the spinnaker so that 1) it doesn’t fly away and 2) still catches wind optimally. It’s really a lot of fun balancing the concepts of staying on the boat and keeping your shoulder from separating. You keep doing that for a few minutes until someone yells more jargon at which point you throw yourself back on to the deck and start pulling the sail back. At least that’s what I did.
You might be shocked at how I think any of this is enjoyable especially when considering that the weather was pretty much mixed rain all day long. But it was enjoyable. It’s taxing on the body, it’s precarious and it was effing cold but there’s a constant adrenaline rush and flurries of pure undistilled excitement. Despite the fact that at least 10% of the sailors out there were female, it made me feel like a man. If I were married, I would have gone home, ordered the wife to make me some meat and potatoes and bacon, cracked open a six-pack and watched football the rest of the day. Right after I stopped shivering.
